God is in my head

I found god in my head 

He talked dirty to me–  he told me all the things he likes and when I do them

It was morning and the news was re-runs

The coffee was brewing and the air radiating sun

He told me there's nothing like pissing a grave ‘til it floods

All it is is war and subterfuge

It's an easy livin’

You should try it

I told him that's quite a fantastic view but I'm too busy laughing at my television 

A boy dies in Harlem and his sister drops pins on his casket 

The sun peers from my highrises and I cozy into the book I just finished

You’re telling me if I decide where things will be I can be unburdened and make it to heaven?

Si!

Throw out the question marks and the bonnet from your eagle's nest

Live a little bit, within reason

That morning I walked out the front door and killed a man 

He was unreasoned 

It felt like washing sand off in the ocean

Faith played me a fortune

Cause that man’s dead on his side and I dont claim him

I never had a thing to do with his life 

He should've prayed right, I suppose

I chuckled 

Because there's nothing left to see in the world, I put my faith where I was told

Now I can go on living without misery

Getting old without curiosity

Regret

Passion

Without being interesting 

God smiled back through my temples and said that’s my son

Now you’ve got it

I said he’s proud of me

And he confirmed it with a shrug

He gave me cancer of the bones

One month to live 

I found out a day after I converted fatefully 

So now I’ve no better use of my time than to pray

I do it every day

I ask him which books he’s changed in the library up there

What meals I’ll be served, and is it on a platter or buffet style?

Is my love up there?

I look out the window where the flowers hang in a basket 

green and amber with pedals like shrapnel

Bees pollinate and birds fornicate while they hover

I ask if he’ll let the nice doctor get into a car crash after work

He presses his cold fingers into my shoulder

Of course, my son, whatever you ask for

I watch the television and laugh until my mouth is cotton and sore

My teeth chatter over the nights and my feet soak my socks during the days

No one knows that I'm dying 

God told me they wouldn't pray hard enough if they did

I’m on sabbatical somewhere in the deep Pacific 

Hey, god

Would you give that nurse a heart attack if I asked?

Well, no

She’s a gnostic and I haven't convinced her just yet

Hey,

Since I’ve done all of this

Devoted myself and whatnot

Spoken to you like a friend and even had one of your pastors come in

Would you let it be painless

The dying part of it

He smiled and nodded like a saint saving faces for his scrapbooking

I pull across the curtain and close my eyes for a moment

Letting the sun warm me from the window 

It was quiet and normal

Nice and comfortable

I never did repent a thing 

Thumping

Droning 

Swooshing like an ajar door with a light wind blowing the trees outside

White and then color

Color and then black

I watched a million lives slip right over me trampling my fragile one 

All existing uniquely and passively as mine consisted of a bad-smelling hospital room

I itched at my nose while plummeting into a reverberating reverie

I spiral down as I feel my organs stretching behind me, held without gravity 

My skin searing from the velocity at which I'm falling

Whistling sounds pressing their way in like artillery 

Then laughing, loud, then gasping, and then laughing

Louder

Louder

And more and more 

Until the enveloping matterless space was merely a bottomless throat 

belching out laughter like a goat

Until I had no ears left to hear 

No eyes left to see

No heart left to believe 

Thank god for misery